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Because some of us can’t get enough of staring into the void, it’s time for another Brexit roundup! All the news that fits about the UK’s upcoming political, cultural and financial suicide.

**This edition is brought to you by old wooden planks with a nail in them – are you struggling to fend off other scavengers in the post Brexit wasteland? Do you need to protect your valuables, like that tin of only-just-expired chilli and your shiny objects for barter? Old planks of wood with a nail in them provide all the tetanus and piercing of a rusty shiv with the added blunt trauma of a good lump of wood! Available from all good refuse piles throughout Brexit Britain.**

For those who haven’t heard, embattled Prime Minister Theresa May has finalised the text of the deal with the European Union which will see Britain leave. Following this, Mrs. May called a government meeting, where everyone agreed she’s done a great job and got her a cake.

Only kidding. Whilst May’s supporters will have to feign enthusiasm for the proposed Brexit deal – or at least argue for it as the least damaging option at this stage in the game – the arch xenophobes within the government are outraged that the entire British strategy hasn’t been for negotiators to just stand on a table in Brussels with their trousers down and sing the theme from “The Great Escape” before releasing rabid bulldogs into the room to worry the ankles of Johnny Foreigner. To say that these two viewpoints are at loggerheads is to put it mildly. The cabinet has signed off on the initial text of the agreement, but almost immediately, a string of protest resignations and grandstanding speeches by oponents began. Even if May can miraculously weather the current storm, any final deal will have to be ratified by both houses of the British government, plus all twenty seven EU member states. Nobody is holding their breath just yet.

Comparing Johnsons.

Boris Johnson, the former mayor of London and chubby albino whose fancy education taught him Latin but not what a comb is for, has long been one of the voices braying loudest for a hard-right, no deal Brexit. The recent negotiations have outraged BoJo, as he claims that the deal Theresa May has hammered out will leave Britain little more than a vassal state of the EU, unable to control its own laws. This is an awkward flex for Johnson, as a key argument of the “Leave” campaign was that Britain (which had a major say in EU policy) needed to take back control of its own laws. Essentially, Johnson and his cronies convinced the British people to jump from a moving car in the hopes of miraculously landing in the driver’s seat of a shinier car elsewhere, and are now flabbergasted that Britain is thumbing a lift at the side of the road. “We can’t hitch hike,” they fume. “We won’t get to drive ANYTHING then!”

Step forward Jo Johnson, Boris’ younger brother, who seems to be in charge of the family brain. JoJo has resigned his role in government over the Brexit farce, saying that Britain should remain in the EU and that there needs to be another referendum in the hopes of stopping the obvious catastrophe. Whilst public sentiment is increasingly in agreement with Johnson Minor – an estimate 700,000 people marched on London in favour of a second vote – the government has categorically ruled it out.

The Man Who Would Be King.

You’d think it would be easy to mount an opposition to Britain’s current, Conservative government, given that they’re all in the midst of the kind of backstabbing, recriminatory frenzy that’s usually reserved for the Ides of March and that they appear to be walking the nation off a cliff.

Spare a thought, then, for the opposition leader, Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn, who hasn’t managed to land a single decisive political blow against Theresa May even as she sags against the ropes with her guard down, her legs like rubber, and the referee distracted.

Whilst it’s hard to tell exactly what Corbyn’s plan is, he’s committed to Britain leaving the EU. This seems baffling, as his supporters skew young and left wing and both groups are aghast at Brexit. My personal guess would be that Corbyn is attempting some sort of long game where Britain leaves the EU and is therefore no longer trapped by neoliberalism. If so, it’s a noble but currently impractical dream, and may well spell the end for Corbyn’s unlikely run at the Prime Minister’s job.

Fleeing the Scene.

A roundup of Brexit news wouldn’t be complete without mention of Nigel Farage, the chinless puddle of racist effluent that somehow learned to talk and became the chief agitator for Brexit in the first place.

Despite having no official role in British government – he was, ironically, a member of the European parliament – Farage managed to slither onto TV often enough that his failed UK Independence Party gained brand recognition and sparked this whole disaster. Farage has, since Brexit, said that he will refuse to give up his European Parliament pension and has also worked to secure German passports for his children thanks to his German wife.

If his nauseating hypocrisy weren’t enough (and you could always add his nauseating face, personality and mannerisms) he also became friends with Donald Trump, the two famously proclaiming a political revolution for the common man as they stood – millionaires both – outside Trump’s gilded elevator.

For all his odiousness, it may be Farage’s cosying up to Trump that proves his undoing – rumours abound that Robert Mueller has taken an interest in Farage, the former investment banker who – in what should be a surprise to nobody – may turn out to have ties to Russian money.

It’s not just the Trump presidency that was orchestrated by the Kremlin – the breakup of the European Union has long been something that suited Russian interests. It has already been proven that both “Leave” campaigns in Britain broke electoral laws, and more and more it looks like the whole godforsaken project has Russian fingerprints all over it.

For forty five years, America and Britain waged a cold war against the Soviet Union. It’s good to know that someone is managing to find an upside to the catastrophic socio-political schisms in America and the economic suicide of the UK. It’s just a shame that that someone is Vladimir Putin, and that he helped orchestrate them.