Rudy: Stop Your Messing Around

There is so much that goes unadressed about the Trump administration – a good portion of which is down to the suspiciously Russian-invented process called “firehosing,” where a constant stream of lies and disinformation and occasional truths means that nobody has time to fact check anything before the next falsehood springs up.

With that being said, it really is past time we talked about Rudy Giuliani.

Giuliani, the former Mayor of NYC who earned the honorary title of “America’s Mayor” by the sheer happenstance of being in office during the 9/11 attacks, might be the most incompetent person in the entire Trump administration. And I think we can all agree, that’s a hell of a bar to clear.

Sure, Jared Kushner is probably pound-for-pound more useless, but even Jared has the good sense to shut the fuck up and stand meekly in the background, just like his wife trained him to do. That whole relationship, by the way, is fascinating. Ivanka could have gone the obvious route to piss off daddy and married a black guy, but instead she did something worse to her blustering, alpha male father by finding a simpering pipsqueak and letting him have sex with her. No matter how powerful Trump is, the one thing he wants to do – fuck his daughter – is being done by a milquetoast, Jewish nonentity. Say what you will about Ivanka, but that’s the best revenge imaginable for an odious daughter to take on her beyond-odious father.

Rudy, however, is nobody’s revenge on anybody, except perhaps a Shakespearean doom that the Trump inner circle have brought down on their own heads. They genuinely seem to have hired him because they thought it was a good idea, but Giuliani can’t go five minutes without implicating himself and everyone around him in some of the crimes of which they are undoubtedly guilty.

Rudy, a confused old man who looks like a vampire – a Can’t Count Dracula, if you will – has no understanding of the damage he does every time he opens his mouth on TV.

Consider that Giuliani has defended criminal acts by saying that they weren’t illegal because the President ordered them. Ignoring, if it were even possible, that “I was following orders” is not a valid defence (something the world established pretty clearly during the Nuremburg trials), the job of a lawyer is not to immediately throw a client under the bus when questioned. He thinks “My client ordered me to commit those crimes, so I’m innocent!” is a valid argument.

He embarrases or implicates the administration that hired him even when he thinks he’s being slick, holding up his phone or iPad as “evidence” of their collective innocence without ever realising that modern viewers can pause the TV and use what he’s brandishing as actual, legal evidence in the future. Like the time he claimed to have sworn affidavits exhonerating everyone in the White House, when what he actually had was a printout of a right wing conspiracy site, complete with header.

Maybe Giuliani doesn’t understand this because in his decrepit, Transylvanian brain he has no concept of modern technology. It’s already a matter of public record that when his last wife left him, she took the TV remote with her, and this baffled, senile Grampire was left utterly unable to change the channel ever after. He never thinks that anyone could pause the TV because he’s not able to do it at home.

What’s most striking about Rudy Giuliani is that nobody in the Trump administration is savvy enough to see that they need to get rid of him, quickly. Or maybe Trump likes him, so nobody has the balls to cross the Don(ald) and fire the liability in their midst.

There’s a saying in poker that when you play a game, you should take a moment to look around the table and try to spot the sucker. If you can’t see one, leave, because it’s probably you.

The current administration, however, is full of people so dumb that they think hitching their wagon to Trump will end well. None of them can spot a sucker because the sucker at the table is all of them.

In the game being played, Donald Trump is loudly insisting that he has a winning hand of three Community Chest cards, because he’s a terrible bluffer and doesn’t understand the game to begin with. Rudy Giuliani is loudly blurting out what cards Donald actually has, Jared Kushner is choking on a poker chip, Mike Pence can’t concentrate because being in a dark room with a bunch of men has made his dick hard and the entire rest of the Republican Party are agreeing that yes, three Community Chests constitute a winning hand.

If I were an artist instead of a drunk, I’d paint that scene.

In the meantime, let’s hope that nobody wises up and fires Rudy Giuliani. He might just be the heel that brings down this idiot Achilles of a government.