Donald Trump seemed happy this week as he entertained French President Emmanuel Macron, consistently getting so touchy feely about procedings that Macron made a joke about it. Again: Trump is too handsy for THE FRENCH.

 Perhaps this is due to an overall lack of physical contact, because one person who sure as hell won’t touch him is his wife – much has been made of yet another attempt by Trump to hold his wife’s hand only to be subtly but determinedly rebuffed.

 Maybe we’re reading too much into this. Maybe Trump is used to never being touched by family members – children who aren’t held enough are known to develop problems with cognition and emotional stability, and to glom on to anyone who shows them approval. Based on that evidence I’d say it’s likely that Trump’s nanny tucked him in with a set of serving tongs while his father loudly wished him out of existence from the lounge.

 Assuming, however, that Trump isn’t with Melania because he assumes not touching people is normal, or because he’s entirely blind to people despising him and genuinely hasn’t noticed how she behaves, it’s worth flipping the coin and asking: Why the hell is Melania still married to this asshole?!

 It’s important in life to try to never blame a victim. If someone is subjected to domestic abuse – whether emotional or physical – the understandable frustration that onlookers feel can sometimes manifest as anger at the abused party for not pulling themselves together and getting out of an obviously harmful situation. This does, however, tend to let the abusers themselves slink out of the firing line.

 Luckily, it’s okay to hate Melania Trump.

“Hurrah! We can hate her! Some guy on the internet said so!”

 Melania Trump isn’t a naive woman who married a secret monster. She’s a gold digger who married a man who is obviously a dumb, sexist blowhard. Melania, who studied architecture at university and speaks five languages, is demonstrably not stupid. She knew exactly who she was getting into bed with, figuratively and literally. The only thing she didn’t expect from her sham marriage was the same thing nobody else expected, either: She didn’t think Trump would get elected. As such, she’s not really a victim in all of this. She’s a con artist whose plan backfired – a robber that got locked in the vault.

 Still, given that her misery is now palpable, the question should still be asked: Why doesn’t Melania leave?

 It’s just about possible that a human being could be so greedy that she’d still agree to live in a gilded cage with the billionaire who repulses her, but let’s be clear: She doesn’t need to. Donald and Melania’s prenuptual agreement contained an infidelity clause. If Donald cheated on her, she could leave and take half his money. Trump is already red-handed on that particular crime, or at least red assed from having it spanked with a copy of Forbes by the porn star he was banging while Melania was in hospital. Melania doesn’t need to stay to keep her lifestyle.

 Perhaps, then, it’s fear. It’s entirely plausible that Melania has threatened to leave and Trump has said he’d have her killed if she did. That’s how his mind works, and being President is a great way to have people killed. They’ve literally all done it in some way or another, with the possible exception of William Henry Harrison, who spent his month-long term mostly in a coma.

  On the other hand, assuming that Trump could competently have anyone murdered seems like a stretch. We’ve seen the people that Trump tends to hire; there’s no reason to assume his choice of hitman would be any more competent than any of this other appointees. Also, in any murder of a woman, the spouse tends to be the biggest suspect. There’s no way Trump could get away with it. He’d botch it like he botches everything he ever touches.

 This might not be much comfort to Melania – knowing that the person who arranged your murder will be found guilty of it in short order doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been murdered, so maybe that’s what keeps her in the White House.

 The more likely explanation, however, is that Trump and his stooges would threaten to kill Melania’s family. A divorce would mean she walked away with more than enough money to hire private security, but that doesn’t protect her relatives in Slovenia. Trump likely couldn’t get away with murder in the U.S., but in former Soviet states the laws tend to be a little more porous – its why Trump does business in Russia in the first place.

 If I were a betting man (and I am) I’d say that Trump is keeping Melania in check with pressure on her family, but that we will one day find out all about it. Melania’s a gold digger and Trump’s a criminal. Sooner or later, Donald will be in prison, Melania will divorce him and spill more beans than a broken coffee grinder.

 We’ll then find out just how horrible life was in the prison that Melania Trump made for herself. Supporters of her husband, of course, will never believe a word of it.