As a resident of the UK, it falls to me to comment on the election of Boris Johnson.

What’s more, my editor has prissily informed me that “screaming until my eyeballs haemorrhage” isn’t a proper response and that I’ll have to put my thoughts in writing. I guess I’m just too avante garde for some people.

The UK election has led to a strong majority for the Conservative Party, and an embarrassing defeat across the board for the left-wing Labour Party.

Here are some of the key points.

Jeremy Corbyn.

Jeremy Corbyn came to lead the Labour Party in an unlikely chain of events that began with him being a literal joke candidate.

A long term party veteran and far left activist, he was nominated for the Labour leadership by a friend within the party and initially had to scrounge around for enough supporters to keep his name on the ballot. He then managed to strike a chord, especially with young voters, due to his impressive record on moral issues and his staunch socialism. (He claimed less money in expenses than any other Member of Parliament, and had been turning up at demonstrations for decades.)

As it turns out, he was also a godawful party leader. As the ruling Conservative Party descended into shambles, Corbyn still couldn’t get ahead in the polls. Remember Theresa May? It’s alright if you don’t, she had all the personality of the “Ingredients” list on a milk carton, but Corbyn couldn’t even win the public over when SHE was the alternative.

Some people will be crying foul and claiming that there was a determined campaign against Corbyn by the right wing media. And there was. But there is ALWAYS going to be a smear campaign against left wing leaders by billionaires who own newspapers and TV stations. The fact that Corbyn couldn’t navigate this obvious and forseeable obstacle is proof of how out-of-his-depth he was.

Corbyn works best as a Diogenes figure – someone to point out when things go wrong from a lonely moral high ground. It’s an important job, but that figure should never be in charge. It’s a little like finding out that Mick Jagger has a cold tonight so the lighting technician will be taking over. It’s not that lighting isn’t important, it’s just that you just shouldn’t let that guy be the front man.


A large part of the Conservative strategy was their “Get Brexit Done” slogan.

This determination to ram through Britain’s exit from the European Union, consequences be damned, appealed to the stupid, the racist, the easily duped and presumably a small but enthusiastic group of S&M economists who can’t wait to see the economy degraded and humiliated like the dirty whore it is.

The European Union have expressed skepticism about the feasibility of Johnson’s plan to leave by the end of January, but as many in the Conservative party are in favour of a No Deal Brexit, any failure to negotiate an orderly leave scenario will be seen as a bonus.

The NHS.

Perhaps the biggest sore point for the left is that, post-Brexit, almost everyone is sure that the Conservatives are going to sell the British National Health Service to American pharma companies.

Currently, the UK has fully socialised healthcare. I sometimes jump into traffic or shoot bits of myself with a nail gun just for the hell of it, because I can get patched up TOTALLY FREE.

Of course, the Conservatives, who are largely old rich people with double barreled surnames (Boris Johnson’s birth cedtificate reads Alexander Boris de Pfeiffel Johnson, and I’m not even close to creative enough to be making that up) don’t give a shit about the working classes or their healthcare. What they DO care about is making more money than they already have, and selling off the health service would be a great way to do that. It’s ironic that as Americans finally wise up and start demanding universal healthcare, the British have voted for a government that will end it.

Boris Johnson has sworn that he won’t sell the NHS, of course. But then Boris was fired from his job as a journalist for lying, fired from the Conservative party (briefly) for lying, is famed for his extrmarital affairs, lied to the Queen about his suspension of parliament, lied to his constituents about his policies on airport expansion, and lied to the public about Turkey joining the EU, about European regulations on fruit, and about his own hobbies.

So Boris Johnson, the lying liar, who lies, has said he’s NOT going to sell off the National Health Service.

The Future.

As for what happens next… nothing good. The Conservatives have been in power for nine years, and the people of Britain have decided that the only way to fix the state they’ve left the country in is to put them in power for another five. This is the equivalent of trying to cure your memory problems by playing a few years in the NFL.

The best-case prediction for Brexit is that it will wipe 6% off the British economy for several years. This is twice as bad as the nadir of the 2008 crash, which took off 3% of GDP for two months.

In the entirely-possible event of a No Deal Brexit, shipments of food and medicine may be interrupted. Either this or the news that Johnson IS, in fact, going to sell off the NHS is probably going to lead to civil unrest.

Boris Johnson has won his election, and now he’s going to plow the nation messily into the ground.

Frankly, he deserves what history will say about him.