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As far as I understand it, a couple of years ago, a bunch of good, hard workin’, Bud Light drinkin’, God fearin’, book mistrustin’, bumper sticker ownin’ ‘Muricans got tired of all those Mexicans coming into the US and taking everyone’s jobs, so they elected a two-bit orange con man to build a big wall along the Mexican border.
Luckily, Mexico was going to be made to pay for the wall. If that sounds unlikely, it’s because when Donald Trump said “Mexico will pay,” he actually meant “Mexico will pay in the form of tariffs,” and when he said that, what he actually meant was “the American tax payer will fund the wall,” and when he said that, what he actually meant was “If people don’t let me spend American tax dollars on the wall I’m going to shut down the government until I get my way.”
His way being to build a big wall along the Mexican border and pay for it with the taxes of hard workin’, gun carryin’, cousin marryin’, Fox news viewin’… look, you get the idea. Trump hasn’t built a wall, he can’t get it funded, it was never going to be funded because Trump didn’t actually want to get elected, and the whole thing was a stupid idea in the first place.
By “The whole thing” I mean Trump’s presidency.
Still, some people just can’t let the idea of a wall go, and where one con man failed, another can always try to succeed. Enter Brian Kolfage.
Kolfage is a decorated war veteran who lost three limbs in combat, if your definition of “combat” is as loose as humanly possible. Whilst it’s true he was grievously injured by an enemy rocket, the rocket in question hit part of the base he was walking through on his way to the gym on his day off. Not exactly an heroic last stand, although it was the last time he would actually stand without the use of prosthetics.
Following his discharge from the military, Kolfage looked around and decided that the people who were really making money were fake news peddlers, and that this was action he wanted a piece of. He started a right wing news company, which tanked, and then hit on his next big idea: Build a big wall along the Mexican border!
Obviously, this wasn’t a new idea, but with President Bone Spurs failing to make any progress on the great southern barrier, maybe an actual veteran would have more luck. Cue a campaign in which Kolfage encouraged people to donate money so that the public could fund the wall itself, bureaucracy and red tape be damned.
Twenty two million dollars in donations later, and here is the progress Brian Kolfage has made on his “We The People Fund The Wall” project:
If you’re thinking that’s a funny looking wall, you’d be right, because it’s a boat. Specifically, it’s a boat Brian Kolfage has recently been accused of buying with the wall fund money. A disgruntled insider is reportedly ratting Kolfage out, saying that he believes Kolfage is guilty of fraud for using wall donations to fund his own lavish lifestyle.
This is perhaps more understandable when we take into account that a great deal of the land which would need to be purchased in order to build a border wall is privately owned and not for sale, meaning a wall is probably un-buildable. Also, as Brian Kolfage would (probably) say, why waste money buying land when you could have a boat?!
To be clear, much like the last lazy con man to sell the gullible on the idea of a border wall, Brian Kolfage has made no progress on actually building a border wall. There’s no real lesson here, as those who are smart enough to spot a hacky, racist con won’t have been taken in by this scam in the first place, and everyone else is still convinced that the wall will be built any day now. I guess there’s nothing for the rest of us to do but promise to build a wall and see if people are dumb enough to donate for a third time. If you know anyone who is, tell them we’re ABSOLUTELY going to build a wall along the Mexican border, and they can contribute at NoWeArentAndThatMoneyWillGoOnWhiskyAndHookers.com.
Alternatively, they can email their bank or credit card details to